im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
