Ambien. No doubt about it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
