The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
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