Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
