The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
