Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
