we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
