cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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