My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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