sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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