she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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