i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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