well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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