Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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