I think I am morally bankrupt
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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