It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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