i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
