I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
