i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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