Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
don't judge my taste in strippers
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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