You made me cry and you don't even care
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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