You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
