It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
