I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I want her autograph on my taint
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
