So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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