I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
