I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think my vagina is haunted
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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