OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
