My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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