He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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