Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
