wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
