I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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