Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
