I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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