allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She needs sedatives and a leash
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
