My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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