Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
