You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
