Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
