be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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