Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
