Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You are the jesus of drinking
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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