who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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