Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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