I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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