Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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