I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i drank out of a bidet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
