white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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