I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
