she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
