So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
