I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
