I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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