Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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